Well isn’t christmas a massive waste of effort!

Seasons greetings. In the spirit of the occasion i would like to say merry Christmas to all and any people who find this blog- however, a word of warning. WARNING! i do not like “x-mas” it is a rather misleadingly shite day. The next following paragraphs will casually slip over INCEPTION whilst noting my pure hatred for the banal celebration of the birth of a bloke with a beard and a bid red suit.

 

Hang on.

 

Oh no.

Thats right- i’ve confused myself. Santa is the twat with the hat, Jesus is the fictional character.

This is a shortlist of reasons for my hatred for the wonderful day.

 

1. shit telly

2. shit company

3. shit games

4. the battle for the control of all of the above.

 

Now my hatred for christmas revolves around some partic… by the way- this is a rant… around a particular knob- my older sibling. On one hand she insists on harmony over the course of the day, while in the other she is determined to piss everyone off- especially myself. Now i will happily admit i’m not perfect, but she takes the absolute piss.

This is where INCEPTION comes in. After opening my small selection of crap presents- the diamond in the rough- my very own copy of INCEPTION- special edition blu ray- the one with the amazing hologram cover. i was eagerly awaiting its home premier until the bombshell at the dinner table. SISTER: Can we see if there is anything on telly first, before we watch it?

In the back of my mind- i knew that INCEPTION would not save my miserable xmas time. i knew that can we see if there is anything on telly first was the nail in the coffin.

I was not going to see the amazing camera work in the corridor scene. I was not going to umm and ahh over the ambiguous ending, or the hints of the ongoing dream world. I was not going to get to imagine how good would Tom Hardy be if Nolan picked him for the Riddler in the next batman film.

Instead i was made to sit through re runs of shite that we watched last xmas.

From now on im not going to watch anything- im going to sleep and while asleep dream of a world in where my sister does not exist and that i can spend the most pointless holiday on my own with a dressing gown, a playstation, a bottle of whiskey, a 20 bag, 40 marlboro, and a insane amount of KFC.

 

Im a christmas hater- and im damn proud of it!!!!

Teeth- Too much carrot, and not enough stick?

Disclaimer: This review covers many sensitive topics, such as chastity, abstinence, rape and c*cks being bitten off. If there is a chance that any of these topics may offend you, watch Teeth. Its F*cking brilliant. I would just like to say however that rape is no laughing matter. Neither is getting you C*ck bitten off. So again- this is my opinion. if your easily offended, especially by the subjects mentioned above- dont read this. i will also apologise for the list of names for Vaginas dotted through this review….

 Actually- no i dont. i am immature.

Ok- the premise of Teeth is that a young girl called Dawn (Dawn? any possible reading? Innocence, freshness, purity?) finds out that she has developed “Vagina Dentata” (WHAT? i here you say! it basically mean she has teeth in her ladybox, t*wt, c*nt, spaz hole, hairy clam) afer an attempted rape by a friend of a friend- who ironically she meets whilst at an abstinence rally.

Just incase your wondering, she is one of those holier than thou w*nkers who think A- there btter than you and B- sex is bad! until your married, which means- for them- gettin married at 18 only cos your so f*cking horny…and breathe. Only in America.

Anyway, back to the story. She has just bitten this guys c*ck, Like, right off- the camera even does a close up of his severed helmet, just so there is no doubt in your mind as to what just happened. He runs away Sreaming, but dies either through blood loss or embaressment (You try explaining that to your next girlfriend) and she gets upset cos she kind of semi led this guy on (She did- Not all women do- i am not Pro rape offenders- just to be very clear- as i said before, rape is bad.) and cant perform her “no sex” rallies to fleets of inpressionable youths.

Insert family issues here. Her mum is ill, her stepdad is too nice and her step brother has wanted to do her since they first met (the opening shows the two in a paddling pool. He shows her his for a glimpse in return- but like any boy, old or young- give them an inch and they’ll run a mile- he ends up putting his finger in her special pencil sharpener(flower, tuna taco, poon, fanjita, pussy, meat flaps!), and gets it nipped! Silly boy- serves him right too for trying to finger is little step sister- FREAK! anyone want to guess he ending?

Anyway- Dawn is worried, so goes to the Gyno office for another accidental rogering. The Gynocologist takes advantage of her innocence and manages to insert all four of his finges into her hungry slot (rocket pocket, vertical bacon sandwich, kebab) and suprise suprise there is shuddering crunch. He falls back after a struggle clutching his boody stumps screaming “Vagina Dentata” while she runs out pinching out four little piggies.

She runs home to find her step brother butt hole surfing his girlfriend (Which he is a fan of) while her mum is laid out on the floor. she takes her mum to hospital and runs to this guys house. we have only seen this guy once in the film so far, and he is really just a facilitator for the next part of the story line. He drugs her so she is a bit out of it and claims that he i the pure hero that will control her devil tw*t(GRAND CANYON, PIE, FRONT BUM,BEEF CURTAINS, AXE WOUND, C*CK SOCK- ARGH THERE ARE SO MANY FUNNY WORDS), and he does it. No severed bell end for him, Yet. She has stopped worrying about her evil vagina so they have sex again. But it turns out that his affection is to win a bet which pisses her off. Que the severed bell end. Loads of blood, no fun juice.

she goes back to the hospital to discover her mum has died. The Girlfriend of the step brother tells her that it was his fault. So of course- there only is one way of revenge.  

After a bit of chat, and a no bum hole rule, he finally gets his cummupance. To top it off his pet dog eats his wilkins and then spits out his prince albert. Harsh! but unbelievably funny.

The film ends with a knowing smile from dawn as she uses her new found sexual ways to go and munch her way across america.  

I went to see this movie with 3 friends- two of them women- and neither of them were offended or sickened by the images. they found it funny. and it is funny. Very funny. To be honest there is a meaning behind it all, but its really hard to see it, cos its just so bloody funny. The script is haliarious and the effects are brilliant! the prop department must have had such a good time making this film.

The films subtext was obviously rape and sexual crimes. However any seriousness that the film was meant to carry was lost with the funny dialogue and amusing gore. I am perfectly aware that the film is a comedy with something far more serios at its core, but that aspect of the film was completely lost. I do like comedies, and i do like films with a serious message,but this film was only funny because of the previously mentioned points and the serious moments were lost to bad acting. I cannot believe that Jess Weixler (Dawn) won the Special Jury Prize for Dramatic Performance at the Sundance Film Festival 2007. There was no real moment where audience felt that the events were horrific. She was raped. She was assaulted sexually. She was Drugged. All of these issues are big f*cking issues. And at no point did the film make that point.

To conclude- Teeth: too much carrot and not enough stick- Definately the case. Funny as F*ck, but the message was missed. Saying that there is nothing wrong with a film that can lead me to create such a brilliant pun as too much carrot and not enough stick.

They both can look like c*cks and that is just Brilliant.

The Dark Knight

Disclaimer: i say what i want, and mean what i say. If you are easily offended i wouldn’t read this. If you do and are still offended, i have one question for you: Why So Serious?

As far as films of the summer go- The dark knight was one title i was very eager to see. Sequels in the superhero genre (NB i am aware that in the grand scheme of things, Batman is a vigilante, not a super hero like superman, but for this exercise he is) run the risk of ruining the series. The example i am going to use is spiderman, which was actually really good, and then spiderman 2- which was piece of sh*t floating in a sea of vomit…. and sh*t.

Dont get me wrong SM 2′s story wasn’t bad- it just lacked the appeal of the first one. What made the first one good was the learning curve that we experienced with Maguire. The humour in the first one was balanced by the drama. In 2 however it just lost it. WIllem Defoe was brilliant casting as the green goblin, but Alfred Molina’s performance as Doc Oc was a little lack lustre. (I am sure it comes as no suprise that i am a bit of a geek, and have read the odd comic or two. I thought that Molina’s Oc wasn’t frantic enough. The man looses his wife and his mind because of his dreams. He just wasnt sinister enough.) and the term Lack Lustre sums up the rest of the SM series: DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON SPIDERMAN 3!!!!!

Anyway, back to the point. sequels have a tendancy to be complete (Insert own favourite insult here, mine is Flange) and the batman series is all too aware of the risk of the campness. Thank god for Christopher Nolan. He has single handedly saved batman from the weak wristed grip of Joel Schumacher and George Clooney. Whoever decided to nipples on robin needs hanging upside down from a tree and beaten with the bat stick until his dinner drips out of his eyes.

The Dark Knight (TDK) opens with a more than satisfactory bank job, which is capped off nicely with our first glimpse of Heaths (RIP) Joker. Until i saw the film, i simply refused to believe that anyone could beat Nicholsons performance. But after seeing TDK and going back to Batman (Tim Burton) i am completely in awe of Heath’s performance. Not only was the voice amusing, with a menacing growl to it, his tick (the lip licking bit) was phemomenal! i dont usually blow smoke up someones arse so much, but if Heath (God rest his genius soal) was still here, it would take the Bat Pod to detach me.

Hang on just a bleeding minute! what about Aaron Eckhart? Despite what people think- the film is about Harvey blummin Two face! And if people cant help cry when they see a Knight with a tale or a box of Candy stick-(See what i did there?!) please skip this next part. i have a question on my mind- and part of me doesnt know if i should ask this but here it is: Would the hype about Heaths performance been as great if he hadnt died? Now i dont have a geniune opinion about this because the fact is that my conscience doesnt dare. However i do believe that his death made the film more popular. (I also cant be bothered to look at Box Office stats so i dont know how much money it made- its sad enough i am writing a blog, so i dont want to become much more of a loser. if you wanna look- feel free) But again back to my point- the joker was just a catalyst for the rise and fall of Harvey Dent, but that fact seems to have dimished somewhat due to Heaths untimely demise.

This aside, the film was amazing. The action scenes were something to be really admired, and unlike many modern films that substitute CGI and action for storyline, TDK developed well and i felt that you could really empathise with the characters. Saying that (Sigh) they only thing that let this aspect of the film down was Bale’s Batman. In Batman Begins, he was rough and and made mistakes- He was human. But in TDK i felt that he lacked the energy that Batman should. The Joker is supposed to bring out the worst in Batman. But it just wasnt there- he wasn’t frantic, or angry, or even risky. He lacked a human side in this film.

i dont like to give star ratings but if i was guna give one for TDK it would be 9 out of 10. The only thing that let it down was the Batman.

Indiana Jones 4- Has Spielberg lost it?

Disclaimer: i don’t really care what people think- this is my opinion, and if you have a problem with that- go and read a Mr Men book you wet flannel.

Before i start this monster rant i would just like to say hello and welcome to my first ever post! YAY! the joys! oh the joys! However before i go really crazy- has anyone seen Gold member? Of course you have! well the bit at the beginning when Spielberg turns to Powers and says something like “Really, cos i think this (Gestures to Oscar) says differently”- that bit- is a lie- if Spielberg ever says i know what I’m doing- either shoot him or run away. Or both. i love sarcasm, which is why i am going to start this epic review off with “I really REALLY liked Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the crystal skull”.

….. *Shakes head disappointingly*….

Brill i thought- the hat is on and the dirty shirt is back. The accidental hero persona was back and was going to make me laugh and bite my nails and make me sit on the edge of my seat. OH how wrong i was. 

The moment of excitement was soon destroyed by the first alarm bell in my head. ding ding ding it went as a badly acted russian scientist tried to read minds…. oh dear. As George lucas passed the bong to Spielberg, he said- how about a fight/gun chase scene here? Stephen replies ok, and we have a relatively ok bit- not much story line was developed, instead- more shooting and witty one liners (Which, if im honest,would have made the film better if it was 2 hours of that.)  More fighting and driving ensues and a camp Ray Whinston (I am  you SLAAAAGG!) swaps sides faster than Tin Tin in ww2. Indie then escapes on a test jet engine- i’ll go with that.

But it wasnt soon after this that the second alarm bell started going, DING DING DING. A nuclear test site- how ever will he get out of this one? A FRIDGE?!?!? A F*CKING FRIDGE?!?! are you really THAT high, Stephen?!?!?

JESUS CHRIST

i took a breath here cos the janitor (From scrubs) was in it and he made me forget about the sh*tness i just witnessed. Shia turns up on a bike thru mist looking like he got lost on the way to a village people audition, and a moderatley good action scene insues. bikes- i likes!also classic indy travelling montage- plane and map- always useful. bit of tomb raidery- also classic indy: only to be snapped around by the 3rd warning bell. DING DING F*CKING DING. Why the f*ck is there a glass skull with foil in it? i had an incling from the start it was about aliens (area 51- derrr) but this was the icing on the sh*t cake. Aliens… Built Elderado… whose bones were made from glass and foil magnets… who were also telepathic… and didnt need to be alive to get into ppls heads…

i shed a little tear at this point, i knew it wasnt going to get better. the only two bits that were good for the rest of the film was the bit going over the water falls and the end. when i say end i didnt mean the bit with the flying saucer(Which was utterly w*nk) i mean when the credits came up and i knew this piece of sh*te was over. there were other moments in the film that were also sh*te- but by this time the bells had all rang and i was just weaping into my pick and mix. hear is a list of the amazingly other sh*t bits. Jungle car chase. jungle sword fight car chase. Swinging thru jungle. Ant fight. Ants making ant ladder to get Cate Blanchet. John hurt looking lost. John hurt looking found. Aztec warriors coming out of the roof. tracking devices. alien skeletons becoming a real alien. eyes on fire. “Its a trans dimensional portal” (thankyou john for that career shattering moment. no more ALien or Elephant man for you) the flying saucer mentioned before and finally the shmolzty lovey bit. At that age he needs a camode..not a girlfriend. what i struggle to believe is that speilberg looked at the script and thought- yeah this is a good follow up to the other 3.

 W*nker.

Has Spielberg lost it?

Yes.